Minutes before these words were written I finished talking to Valerie.
Valerie, Valerie, Valerie…
Oh, naive Valerie, what are we going to do with you?
Before I answer that question let me recount a true story that happened to me in Vermont a couple years ago.
I was on a family vacation. The family and I had rented a humble little cottage on the eastern shore of Lake Champlain.
It so happened that a row-boat came as part of the vacation package. So, I availed myself of this little convenience and rowed out to a shallow, reed filled portion of the lake’s edge. It was there that I spied a number of huge fish hiding out lazily amidst the lake weeds.
I decided then and there that I would have fish before leaving the vacation retreat. So, I rowed back to the cottage, secured the boat, grabbed my keys and driver’s license and headed 8.3 miles out to the nearest convenience/bait store to buy: 1 Vermont fishing license ($36); 1 set of hooks ($2); 1 spool of “10 pound test” fishing line ($3.76); 1 net ($8); and 1 take-out box of nightcrawlers ($3.59).
Then I hurried back to the “humble little cottage” and spent 4 hours fishing.
Got some nibbles but no bites.
The next day, I fished for 4 more hours.
Got some more nibbles and one bite that disappeared before I got it close to the boat. By this time my sun tan had developed nicely and my fingers were slimy with earth worm mucus. But…
No fish!!!
Time was running out.
So, I washed my hands over the side of the boat and paddled back to shore.
The row-boat was secured to the property’s dock and I again fetched my keys and driver’s license.
This time, I drove 12.5 miles to the nearest town and went straight to the fish department of the first grocery store I saw.
I left that store with 4 lbs of filleted cat-fish. Cost $2.95 per pound. That’s $11.80 total, not including the cost of gas, wear and tear on the vehicle, or my precious time.
I drove back to the vacation spot and cooked-up a delicious pan-fried catfish meal.
One approach cost me less than a third as much than the other to get my fish.
One method was 100% successful and the other was time consuming, costly and flopped completely (ignoring the tan and exercise benefits).
So, what’s the take-home message? I promise to get to it before I finish this missive but let’s get back to Valerie.
Now, you’ve probably gotten a call from a “Valerie”, or maybe from one of her sisters: Sheila, Peggy, Bernice, Sylvia, Sue, Diana, Flora, Fauna, Fortuna, Hygieae… (sorry, I’m beginning to mix my Roman and Greek mythological femmes fatales).
They are telemarketers and Valerie, the woman of the hour, was hawking discounted local newspaper subscriptions by seducing possible subscribers with grocery coupons.
Let’s set the scene:
On one end of the phone line was Valerie the seductress. And on the other end was me. Now, I have my strengths and weaknesses but being seduced into buying a newspaper subscription is not something that I’ll fall for very easily. Because…
I see newspapers as being heavy bundles of paper that have too little useful content and too many ads. Also, they weigh down my recycling bins too much in a a short period of time. In short, newspapers aren’t worth the paper they are printed on.
In the ‘market of possible newspaper subscribers’ (i.e. people and businesses that actually want to subscribe) I am not only outside of the market but I’m light years away from the edges of that market.
I’m so far outside the market that newspaper companies could only get me into subscribing by paying me to join. And the price of enticement is more that $185 per month week day hour minute. (Yes, there is a price where I will succumb, but it’s pretty high… and if they take advantage of my good intentions I always reserve the option to triple quadruple my rates!)
Valerie, being the dutiful telemarketer, simply talks to whom ever picks up the phone that some auto-dialer rings up.
I happened to have been unwittingly suckered into answering such a dial-up telemarketing call and had the pleasure of hearing Valerie launch into her prepared script.
The yacking continued for about ten seconds before she asked me a question designed to illicit a “yes” response.
“So your address is still in Syracuse?” Valerie asked.
“No,” I responded.
Now, a ‘NO’ is not a good response for a telemarketer because she needs to get the potential customer into the “yes… yes… yes” mode so they’ll be more likely to answer “yes” when the big question relating to signing up is popped.
Valerie was clearly not progressing smoothly. And,
Before I could mention where I lived she offered four names of Syracuse suburbs as possible places where I might reside. Unfortunately,
Not a single option was correct. So I had to give her another: ‘NO’
Dumping the geography portion of her script she deftly reminded me of the great savings I’ll be able to receive from the shopping coupons.
I told her that my way of saving 100% of my money is to spend 0% of it.
She seemed to have heard nothing of my brilliant personal philosophy on saving and reminded my that the discount coupons would be very valuable in the upcoming shopping season.
I told her that I did not want to buy newspapers, and I figured a mock enviro-friendly posture would work with her, because I did not want to be responsible for a single tree to be diverted away from 2X4 and plywood production. But, Valerie was obviously listening.
She countered by mentioning that only recycled paper is used to make ‘newspaper’ paper.
“Yeah, right!” I said, throwing at her the only double positve word combo that equals a negative.
“Look, Valerie,” I continued, “let me save you time by stating as clearly as I can that I am not in your market. Have a good day and please do not accept this rejection personally because I think you have a lovely voice, and you probably love your family members dearly, and I’m sure you contribute to your favorite charities often… so it has nothing to do with you as a person… but I can not accept your offer. It simply is not for me. Have a good day.”
And before she could respond I gentle pushed the “off” button on my phone’s hand-set.
So, here are the take home messages.
First, do not fish where there are no fish.
Second, there’s no guarantee that the fish will bite even if you fish where the fish happen to be (they might not be hungry, or they might not like your bait, or they might be in a different part of the lake and not aware of your offer).
Third, if you do the right tests you might find that it’s a lot less expensive to end up with a fish using alternative B than by using alternative A. And,…
Fourth, you can learn a lot about basic marketing principles by studying the telemarketers who interrupt your lives when you least expect it. All you need to do is listen, observe, record and analyze your results.
From About Your Wealth dot com
This is LeBlond, Gerard LeBlond wishing you the best in your entrepreneurial endeavors.
P.S. Don’t forget to be polite when dealing with those telemarketers because you never know when they may record your conversation or when you might end up becoming one yourself!
